被释放的小鸟

I feel the same too! I was like 被释放的小鸟 too. Feel so trapped in the house. So now got the chance to go out, I will! That's why Jann was surprised that I wanted to meet her @ Orchard on Saturday evening cos by the time we reached there, it was already 7plus.

I told her, I needed to come out even though I had to bring Cayenne along. I mean we have nothing to do @ home anyway. It is either me accompanying Cayenne watching her Barney or me SCREAMING away @ her. IMO, neither is healthy right. So I rather bring Cayenne out if possible to MINIMIZE me screaming @ her.

Remember my earlier earlier post that I mentioned I needed a break from EVERYONE & EVERYTHING?

I was having a bad day, angry with myself for screaming @ Cayenne, screaming @ her in front of Cayden. Angry with myself for losing my patience with her. Felt so trapped & felt like a time bomb going to go off any time. Cayenne wants so much from me BUT I could only give so little. I wish I could give her more but it is very taxing for me.

So finally yesterday, for the 1st time, I "dumped" her @ home, crying. I needed a break! I closed the main door & gate despite her cries. I went downstairs, walking. I walked towards the mosque, went to shop&save & walk back slowly. Trying to calm myself down, trying to figure out "WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?"

As I walked along our corridor, I could see a tiny foot outside the gate, it was my Darling's! She was waiting for me. I felt so heartpained & guilty that I just dumped her @ home. She's just a toddler who still hasn't figure out why Mummy was angry, why Mummy was sad, guilty etc.

In the evening, I hugged her tightly, crying softly. Cayenne of cos still laughing away & still a cheerful girl. She's still so young. This moment I scold her, the next moment she will be laughing away.

Everyday, every minute, I try to remind myself not to vent my anger @ her, keep reminding myself to have patience!