Mummy's Thoughts - Part 17

十二月十一日... ... ...

A day which I cannot forget. A day filled with tears, crying, hugging, 佛歌, relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues etc... ;(

Till now, every time I think of my Mother. My tears will flow. Memories of past will flash out page by page...

Felt like screaming.

Yesterday after 2 years, I stepped into 光眀山 temple to pray my Mother. Brought her granddaughter whom she had no chance to see, carry, hug, to visit her. Initially only let Cayenne pray her GrandMother outside, as Cayenne is very "pantang". Scare later she gets into her fussy, cranky moods. So I went inside to visit my Mother with my brother and Sister-in-law. Tears simply flowed out while I was walking down the stairs... My heart really cannot take it. Kept telling myself. Don't cry. Don't cry. But I'm an useless person. My tears simply flowed out. Got worse when I saw my Mother's picture. Argh!

Dennis brought Cayenne inside. He told me Cayenne wanted to follow and come in. So he let her in. I think since Cayenne wanted to come in, I carried her and showed her her GrandMother. Cayenne is very good girl, asked her to pray, she immediately put her two hands together and pray.

This fateful day which i wished that it had never happened, but impossible. According to buddhism, I should be happy that my Mother was freed of suffering. Free of the human desires, unhappiness & sadness. I still cannot do it. Am trying but every time feel very 心痛.

Our lives have moved on of cos, but life is never the same anymore.